A Shallow Kayak to the Consciousness

   

     Unfathomable to some, love is the best in everything. But once one has realized that love's unavailability is a hindrance to one's best success, they turn to other things. In my case, turning to traveling is, or can be, by far, the most interesting yet.

   With the help of the internet, and certainly without the help of the deterrent facebook, I seek to purgate my body and my mind of toxins and the delusions and the stress that the past months have brought about. I am willing to be gentle and pure to my own body, because it has been through a lot of things unimaginable. With a little struggle and a little suffering from the long hours of travel, my body will recover its own body clock, be a little tough and strong and certainly get pleasure from the meetings with lovely people around the world.

     Up to now, I still haven't made up my mind if I want somebody with me, or not. Sometimes, I guess it's just necessary to travel alone. And it's not so bad to be with a friend as well. But being with a friend can sometimes limit you, in some way I still couldn't understand yet.

    I only have three goals in traveling, one is to know my own culture. Though being a Filipino means having such a complex diversified culture, it may seem hard to understand history and those languages that seem to change every kilometer you travel. To make things easy and simple for you, it all roots down to respect. Respect that things became like this, and people are simply just like that. It's all respect.

   Secondly, to be able to see the Philippines in a different way. Because in all honesty, I'm sick and tired of seeing the same places again and again. Give yourselves a break, work hard and travel. The Philippines is a multifaceted country, it is also one of the most friendliest countries in my own opinion. And there is this fear inside a womb that slowly hunts me, that if I ever went to another country with cold people in it, I might slowly become cold. Which is what I fear.

     Thirdly, when I become familiar with my own culture, I can now be able to be proud of it. Be convinced of my own country's beauty, to be able to reflect on it. To promote it and be able to save it from the damage of those God-forsaken Political leaders.. I believe when we understand our own culture, we can save it as well. (Though I hope that a little idealism may still remain after all the traveling.)

   In all aspects, love can never be forgotten in the travels we wish to take. It's just all directed to a beautiful mountain, and unforgettable winding roads, or to those people on the buses you wish to have a chat with.

Brandy, Shirtless men on the streets, and a Destination

      With chills, wrapped up in grey jacket with a backpack and some cash to get me somewhere

I readied myself for the door. Hesitant to even go out, because once again, comfort invites me back to my reasonably expensive mattress covered in smooth sheets and comfortable pillows, but my will have decided against that. I dragged myself out the door, and half-grudgingly readying everything. Took a last look at the mirror to make sure I was decent enough not to look like a whore, or a beggar, for the place I was gonna go to were full of them. But I knew, for sure, that my brown dyed hair, and my healthy physique and my awkward walk cannot be mistaken for what I fear that I'll be mistaken for. 

     As I was walking past the sari-sari store, there I saw the landlady's husband with the owner of the store,  who is also a sibling of the landlady, drinking together. Now, I still haven't figured out the whole hierarchy of their family's relationship, like whose cousin is this, and whose sibling is that. I was too lazy to ask cause its really none of my business to do so, but it's so awfully important when it comes to striking up friendly, "im-sorry-my-rent-payment-is-late-again," or "you-look-good-today-im-gonna-pay-everything-next-month," kinda conversations. So much for tactics. With all these business with asking questions about their relationships, I'm careful not to look suspicious for asking, I'd have to appear genuinely interested. This is the thing I'm good at. To look genuine because I need to. And I secretly enjoy it.

     They seemed to be drinking some sort of brandy that I fail to recognize, because I just realized that kind of information was not suitable to be known at that time, all I remembered were the shirtless men so common in Filipino streets, with shot glasses in their hands, ready to offer everybody a glass of brandy. Seemingly and suspiciously smeared with men's saliva all over the rim, but still too happy to offer some to show camaraderie. And I thought, this is so Filipino. This is so common that I started to realize that tiny little details of our casual culture. 

So, while passing by them, I waved. And suddenly, the landlady's husband said, "hoy, san ka pupunta? Gabi na ah. 'Wag ka ng magpapagabi pa." (Hey, where are you going? It's already late, do not stay out too late.) 

So, here's the deal. 

I have managed living like I am alone, for my brother and I share an apartment, we also have separate businesses to manage, with totally different times and totally different places. Making it hard for us to see each other. So basically, I had imagined myself to be living alone anyway. For almost 5 or so years, Us siblings, being my older sister, younger brother and I had been under our father's wing while mum was abroad.

My father, and let me offer you a comfortable introduction about this man I wish to present to you as respectable as possible, is lenient and terribly comfortable with many things his teenage children wished to do. With that information in our heads, we basically did whatever the hell we wanted, with little supervision. We suddenly realized that there was no sort of leadership as to how we should be acting as teenagers, or as to what we should become, we were kind of lost. So, little by little, we Siblings became tiny leaders in ourselves. We realized that we have no one to turn to, (cause mum was far away) who was near us. We only had to rely on each other more.

To others, he was cool. He also was a cool old man to us, but people should realize that they had to be more than that. 

-----

Back to my drinking neighbors, when I heard what he said, I probably had some strange unfamiliar feeling of being a child again. Being scolded like that, as if I was his own, gave me chills. And this feeling was strangely nostalgic, like the tone of a family member who was older than me. Giving me life instructions so I could be safe. So I could be there back at home again, under their wings.

Like a parent's striking question about your future whereabouts. 

Somehow, it felt so good. And then there, it dawned on me that I have missed this kind of family thing I was supposed to have. Missed, meant that I didn't have it so much. That tiny little moment told me how lonely and somehow unfortunate my teenage life was in the absence of my parents, but at the same time, I was given a brighter understanding of my independence and a healthy appreciation for my parents efforts to lift us all up from potential poverty through education that had to be paid by going abroad, a sacrifice from my mother. 

That sentence was too long. I wish to apologize for my gentle reader's being out of breath. 

And so, that simple question from the landlady's husband made me wanna go see my mother, my siblings, my whole precious and comfortably imperfect family. It made me feel like I was at home. 

And all I ever said to him was, "I need to help my grandmother. You know, she's old and all."

That perfect little lie, an excuse. I need not see her, I was out for another business of mine. 

Because if I tried to give the real answer about my destination, it would be incomprehensible to them at the moment. 

So, I walked on and on with a smile. With my grey jacket flapping in the chilly evening air.