Truth to be told, this is one heck of a phase I'm going through. I feel my being young adult is facing with the inner teenager I once used to be. Confused. Still looking for the right answers.
But I think I am too scared to ask the right questions. Maybe I am secretly scared of growing up. Things I need to face alone. What is the sense of being mature if all I ever faced was trying not to be alone, and finding out that in the end, you are, indeed alone. In this big world full of uncertain things.
I have felt quite unhappy these past few weeks. Of the things I could not decipher. Of the things am afraid to face. Yes, that's why maybe I have been telling people who are close to me, that I'm already fearless of death. Because death is the most comfortable, death can be the most alluring part of life where you won't feel the need to survive anymore. Because facing reality is such a hard chore. Not only for me. But for the millions of people who try their best to find meaning in a life packed of hatred and fear, love and delusion, disease and destruction.
So, that's why I have been keeping in touch with my mother. My mother could be the only one helping me get it together. Wrap me up in this special kind of sense of what is right and what is wrong. I have been bothering her to call me, give me a kick in the ass, or a special kiss on the forehead, before I go to sleep.
Mama, that's why I had been sucking my thumb til I was in 2nd year college.
Because I was looking for you.
In the event of me breaking down, the urge to lighten myself up with a number of videos and movies and comedies that I buy cheaply from our moslem brothers and sisters down the road, is indeed, increasing. This pattern repeats itself. Every time.
Mekanismo. Mechanism. True. Mechanisms are so important to let you live. My tiny little mind depends on this now. Because yes, I am alone. And at the moment, unimportant for those people who I think are important. Being unimportant is probably one of the strongest reasons why people commit suicide. They have felt so sad and so mad and so utterly insignificant that they are not afraid of the pain from being out of breath. Being out of breath takes a couple of minutes and then, TA-DAH! Life is gone, and nirvana might be achieved!
To be above our past self, to be above our mistakes, requires a steady disposition. It does not take you a day to realize that this could be done.
But I will tell you, I think some people have the answers but don't have a clue on how to use these things. And I guess, I am disappointingly one of them. I manage to keep myself as being viewed a smart girl, but living with this pathetic mind sometimes tires me. I remember one guy who told me, that he was tired of having his own mind. He was thinking of the idea of exchanging brains with someone less smarter than him. And thus, the universal truth, ignorance is bliss. Because obviously, this guy was smart, enabling him to think of other things fucked up.
A conclusion is not needed in this post. I do not have the desire to compensate for the lack of my point. This is merely a babble. Babbles that deeply reflect the way my mind works in general. For the things I think about are not directed to any specific part of my brain, or does it feel the need to.
My body is in pain. So is my mind.
I'm thinking of getting a massage so I can work the whole week off in a breeze. But yes, I have to think of the things I need to put my money on. So is this part of growing up? Some people may not be ready for these kinds of things.
Strangely, my google searches have been about weird fishes down the depths of the sea. I am a self confessed weird creatures fanatic! This is what I love to search about when I'm down and lonely. Without the unfortunate only. So I noticed when I typed weird sea creatures in the google search bar, fuck it, I think I'm trying to recover from the bad things that has been happening to me. See? I'm trying to lighten up my feelings now because this is the only way, no way but up.
When I come to think of it, I had the facebook name: Jahnina Actually Swearsalot
And it became an indispensable part of my online life, at least to my online friends.
I do swear a lot. I say bad curse words.
But deep the fucking down, I'm all a mushy-cutey bitch who has been sincere to you
since day one.
I have lived in the most honest way I can.
With all the necessary glitches that is so essentially part of who we are.
So, tell me. How was your day?
